Look, no matter how hard we close our eyes, shove our fingers in our ears and screech LA-LA-LA-LA till the neighbours start throwing things, there’s no escaping the fact that the dreaded V-Day is upon us once more.
But what does the V stand for, exactly? Vortex of doom? Vuck off? Venereal disease? Or the heartfelt two-fingered V gesture? We suspect it might just be all of the above. Until technology catches up and makes it mercifully possible for us to go into hyper-sleep for 24 hours, here are a few things that might help make the unbearable bearable. We’re nice like that. Not forgetting the fact that when you’ve made your way through these cheering tinctures for the soul, you’ll be much better placed to crack on with your professional life. (Ulterior motives? Who, us?!)
And we know that these nuggets of joy must all be incontrovertible truths, because computers haven’t learned how to lie yet. And even if they have – and are positively gnashing their teeth at the prospect of hitting us up with heartbreaker porkies – they can’t, basically, as long as Asimov’s Glorious Laws of Robotics are there to save us. It’s gonna be okay, dammit. It’s all GONNA BE OKAY.
2. LOVE POTION
…It’s got to be worth a shot, right? And if that doesn’t work out, you could always try a shot or two of tequila instead.
One for the ladies: grilled cheese will never be consigned to that eternal cesspit of filthy philanderers! Feast your eyes on these badboys, who are filthy in all the right ways. Now please excuse me while I go take a cold shower.
Not forgetting the gentlemen, of course. Fear not – this cunning strategy to avoid real-life snot and tears has been tried and tested by the sensible menfolk over in Japan. As the website points out, 2,000,000+ users can’t be wrong! And if sexytime with a computer is good enough for Joaquin Phoenix in this upcoming film that we can’t wait to see, then GOSH DARN IT, it’s good enough for us.
If there’s anything guaranteed to snuff out the fires of ardent passion, it’s an overpriced meal at an overfilled restaurant, decked out with naff fluffy bunting and heart-shaped balloons that sink slowly down the wall as the helium leaks away. You can prepare for the inevitable tragedy by arming yourself with one of these excellent e-cards.
6. Why did Tesco and Asda only sell these in 2012? WHY?
Welcome to the only justifiable nod to an abhorrent mire of greetings card consumerism, as the cash register sings “£0.07 well spent”. Shazzzinga! The good news is that 1) you can easily recreate these works of art using Paint, 2) the more inept you are with a computer mouse in your hand, the better, and 3) printing on paper rather than card will befit the overall sentiment in a way that vastly surpasses the original.
If the internet is a place of salvation, then cats, surely, are the animal of salvation. When you can feed your lusty brain grapes with this kind of ace juice, who cares about having someone’s shoulder to drool on while you fall asleep in front of Take Me Out?
8. THIS T-SHIRT
What we really mean here, of course, is that it’s all a matter of perspective. You know the main (only) advantage of being in a relationship? Not having to faff around filling up a hot water bottle in the winter months. The plus-points, meanwhile, are literally endless: more time for pets; not having to deal with the mental anguish of whether or not to change your relationship status on Facebook; one less person clawing for a birthday/Christmas present… need we go on?
9. Cockles of your heart still not feeling warmed?
And if the sum of our earnest endeavours thus far has proved insufficient to chase away those grotty V-Day blues, we have one last trick up our sleeves, and it’s starting to look a lot like Doge.
The 10th entry here would have been a link to the “Fifty Shades Generator”, but it is so extravagantly NSFW that we’ll have to trust your ability to get googling and unearth the algorithmic masterpiece of your own accord. (It might just be worth the effort.)
The point is: consumerist exploitation/leaky helium/GRILLED CHEESE. Confused? We certainly are. Maybe it’s best to shelve the whole sordid thing and focus on having a lovable career instead.